Pandering
Pandering is a highly specialized business focusing on meeting the specific needs of individuals, governments, trade groups and other organizations. To facilitate flexibility in providing these services the DuckButter InterGalactic Pandering Business Unit is located in the Xantibbe Solar System, Quadrant 2 at the far edge of the Orion Arm. Aside from having a nice view of deep space, this location is outside Federation territory and thus not subject to regulation. In other words, we can get your project done our way and charge pretty much whatever the market will bear. It’s a terrific business!
Xantibbe – 3 is an earthlike planet and home to the Central Temple of the Necriphites cult. Necriphites, as you may know, is the God of panderers, procurers and go-betweens. In the immortal words of Sudulus, “ A new God, but a very hard worker.”
This location provides us with a wonderfully diverse population of workers whose cultural norms value the ability to get something done. Examples of their accomplishments include:
· The “forced” ritual bathing of the Glorpian Slime Princess Zrackdrnl for her recent wedding to Prince Vlinkfreep of Drindal-4. This wedding established a critical alliance between the systems of Glorp and Drindal, stabilizing the political situation and ensuring protection of trade routes. It is also remarkable given the obsessive-compulsive nature of Drindalian culture.
· Coordinating and providing transportation to 15,369 members of the New Life Bible Church for their mass emigration to the fundamentalist colony on the planet “We’re Saved, You’re Not, so rot in Hell.” This was made possible by our agents convincing neighbors of the New Life Bible Church to contribute funding towards the transport fees, and cryo-freezing the entire group of church members so they wouldn’t irritate the crew or other passengers. They should thaw out within twenty years or so. A win-win for everyone!
· Pacification of the native cannibal warrior tribes of Xipetotec-6 by introducing Twinkies into their food supply as a substitute for human hearts. They’ve stopped eating the human colonists and the Hostess Corporation has opened a huge, new profitable market.
· Rescuing two Reality Show TV celebrities from a Kravorkian prison where they were awaiting execution after filming a recent installment of their popular “road show.” Having no brains, taste or respect for people’s intelligence is a capital offense on this planet. We have since been inundated with requests to kidnap and transport hundreds of TV executives and producers to Kravorkian, and are actively lobbying Congress to consider a bill legalizing this trade. We encourage you to write to your Congressman supporting this bill.
· Resolution of a dispute between the planets of Musselmun and Krewsadir by physically relocating the two planets to opposite ends of the Galaxy. To prevent conflicts from developing between the relocated planets and local systems we placed orbiting weapons platforms around each planet which are programmed to destroy any outbound ships that attempt to cross the perimeter. So far so good.
· We also walk dogs.
All pricing is custom by the project. Outline your project parameters and submit them in person at the office of DuckButter InterGalactic nearest you. Remember, we do not conduct Pandering operations within Human Federation Space.
© 2005 BrIsland LLC. All Rights Reser